The Famous Severus Snape & His Snarky Harry Potter
by JusT-AnothEr-ChaIn-ReAction
Summary: PostWar,NonHbpCanon. HpSs,Slash!No likey, no ready. Someone slips a bonding potion into Harry and Sev's drinks. Now they're bonded, and it's permanent. And the snarkiness insues. Rated M for later chapters, just to be safe.
1. Prelude

**A/N: This is my first ever ficcy, I hope you guys like it. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry or the other characters. If I did I would be dead from happiness. XD**

**Warning: Slash, HPSS. If you don't like m/m relationships, then one can only wonder why you clicked this story in the first place. I will nto tolerate flames because you're being hypocritical. Don't be reading stories labeled as slash if you're just going to hate. I'm open to constructive criticism, so please review.**

Summary: Someone -coughDumblescough- slips a permanent bonding potion into Harry and Sev's drinks. Now they're bonded and must deal 'cos there's no getting rid of the bond. And the snarkiness insues XD Lots of crazy Dumbles and his interference. Mucho Lemon Drops.

Rated M for later Chapters.  
Enjoy,

** 3Lex**

Prelude

In the midst of a sea of burgundy lined black robes, a group of subdued older seventh years sat partaking of the last meal of the day. This group of students was none other than the legendary "Golden Trio", comprised of the most well known students in the wizarding world. The illustrious Ronald Weasley, the brilliant Hermione Granger, and last but certainly not least, Golden Boy himself, the famous Harry Potter- _"the-boy-who-killed-you-know-who-yet-again." _Subdued ever since the start of term a month prior. War could do that to a person. Or maybe it was just old age.

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Higher still, a sneering figure sat at the teachers' table, partaking of the same meal, listening to the dreadful noise of all those dreadfully carefree midgets, err, I mean students. Said sneering figure was none other than Severus Snape, Potions Master, ex-Death Eater, Order Spy, war hero- _"the-snarky-greasy-git." _Sneering because of the noise, sneering because of the laughter, sneering because of the happy faces, sneering because of the throbbing pain from a stubborn wound that refused to heal, sneering because… well that's just what Severus Snape does.

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Both the sombre Harry Potter and snarky Severus Snape reached for their goblets of what was presumably pumpkin juice. Maybe it was winning the war, maybe it was exhaustion, or maybe it was a lack of caring anymore. Whatever the case, neither felt the need to sniff at their drinks, just out of precaution, therefore neither realized anything until it was far too late. Two spluttering noises filled the great hall, drawing attention from the curious students, followed by two gasps, then two simultaneous thuds as both men slumped forward falling slowly into unconsciousness. The last thought that ran through both their minds was _'I knew today was going to be a bad day'_, neither noticing the humorous, twinkling blue eyes watching them as they gave in and passed out.


	2. Chp2 An old coot's wise intentions

**A/N: Read the Prelude for the summary.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry or the other characters. If I did I would be dead from happiness. XD

**Warning: Slash, HPSS. If you don't like m/m relationships, then one can only wonder why you clicked this story in the first place. I will nto tolerate flames because you're being hypocritical. Don't be reading stories labeled as slash if you're just going to hate. I'm open to constructive criticism, so please review.**

**Umm, I have a very open plot to work with, so I'm taking ideas. If there's anything specific you'd like to see happen, I can- and most likely will- fit it into the story later. I'll give you kudos as well as dedicate my chapter to you. **

**Read and review, please  
Ciao lovelies,  
3 Lex**

Chapter One

"What… What happened?" the normally outwardly fearless Gryffindor asked, apprehension lacing his words.

"That's what I'd like to know!" spat the equally apprehensive and worried Snarky Snape.

And both had good reason to feel thusly. Surrounded by the cautious and harassed faces if Madame Nurse, Poppy Pomphrey, and Deputy Headmistress, Gryffindor's own Minerva McGonagall. But by far, the most alarming face to behold was that of the twinkling, cheerful Headmaster. For whenever Albus Dumbledore was looking this cheerful, the happy, this amused, it surely meant disaster for those closest to him. In especially for Harry and Severus, his favourite victi- err, boys.

"Well, m'boys" Albus began, seeing as both women were remaining wisely silent. "It would seem someone slipped a permanent bonding potion into your pumpkin juice."

Both Harry and Severus looked horrified, jaws slack and eyes wide, because both of these clever men know exactly what the twinkly eyed Headmaster was saying. Neither one could look at the other, nor could they open their mouths to say anything for fear of screeching like banshees. This could not be happening. Would want to bond them? They hated each other, a fact that was common knowledge to everyone. They couldn't possibly live, bonded together, without killing each other.

"This permanent bonding potion, is in fact completely and irrevocably permanent." Albus stated, each word causing the two victims of this wondrous, umm, I mean horrific event to go paler and paler. No small feat for these two already pale men.

Grinning as the two finally locked gazes, Dumbledore went on to explain the actions and ramifications being dealt with. So for half an hour they were told of the effects of this particular bond. The need to frequently touch, especially after being separated for several hours, the possessiveness and jealousy, the lust, the protectiveness, the sharing of emotions, and, eventually, the sharing of thoughts. As the others left, to give the two time to "get to know one another", Albus dropped the final bomb- they'd be sharing quarters hence forth.

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"This can't be happening." Harry muttered, dropping his head into his hands as soon as the other three had left.

"Well it bloody damned is happening!" Snape hissed, eyes glaring at his newly bonded and very unwanted _Husband._ Because that's what they were now. Married. For life. No way out, as divorces are completely unheard of in the wizarding world. Not to mention the damnable bond was made _permanent._

"Listen up, Potter. I'm only going to say this once" said Snape, grabbing the boy's arm and leading him out of the infirmary and toward the Dungeons. "You will obey all of my rules. You will show me respect. You'll keep your nose out of my affairs. You'll behave yourself befitting your station. You will not expect special treatment now, because I wont be giving it to you. You'll refrain from filling _our quarters_-" here his voice positively oozed contempt and loathing "-with impertinent Gryffindors or any of your other annoying friends."

Harry gritted his teeth, glaring at the portrait of Salazar Slytherin that lead to their private rooms. He'd play along for now, but no way was he going to be told what to do by the greasy git.


	3. Sarcasm,Pillow Fights,Unwilling Roommate

**A/N: Read the Prelude for the summary. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry or the other characters. If I did I would be dead from happiness. XD**

**Warning: Slash, HPSS, and some twincest!! If you don't like m/m relationships, then one can only wonder why you clicked this story in the first place. I will not tolerate flames because you're being hypocritical. Don't be reading stories labeled as slash if you're just going to hate. I'm open to constructive criticism, so please review.**

**Heh, well. I've got a bit more foundation for the plot. Um. I'll try and make Harry a bit more Dom, but he shall still be the one to bottom (when the time comes). Dunno why, but I've always pictured him like that. But he wont be some weak little sub who obeys their dom's every beck and call. Oh no, he's going to be a bold lil' fella, very cheeky too. XD**

**Definite Pairings: HPSS DMNL LMBZ HGRW FWGW**

**Possible Pairings: GWPP RLCW**

**Any ideas on who you want to see together, let me know and I'll see if I can do it. XD**

**Thank you muchly for all the reviews. I know my chapters are kind of short but hopefully the further along I get the longer they'll be.  
Read + Review, please.**

**Arigato, **

**Sayonara**

**-Lex**

PS: Please don't be mad if this chapter is crap... I'm sick with the flu, And I can't get my thoughts in order.

**

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**Chapter Two- "Sarcasm, Pillow Fights, and Unwilling Roommates"**

"Always me." Muttered the resigned Harry, eyes glued to the fateful scar on his forehead, the reason for all the wrong things in his life. Sighing dramatically, as one was want to do when facing such a bleak future, he pulled on his black and blue 'Bohemia lives on' shirt and zipped up his faded, slightly baggy jeans. Tucking his wand behind an ear, Harry walked into the common room of his new quarters, suppressing yet another gasp of shock. Yup, the place was still as surprising as before. Cozy; a blend of browns and beige, overall not what he imagined of Snape.

"_Well, damn it? Did you expect some kind of torture chamber done in emerald and silver?"_ Snape had snapped when they'd first stepped into the room, sneering at Harry's gaping mouth. In truth, that had been the Gryffindor's expectation. It mollified Severus to think that the boy really did have some fear for him. _As well as it irritates _he thought, coming out of his own room to find Harry standing there, again staring at the room with disbelief. Studying the dimwitted twit, Sev ignored the small pull of attraction he felt, telling himself the brat looked as shoddy and sloppy as always.

And Harry, too, ignored the shiver of attraction that ran down his spine, attesting it to the fact that he'd never seen the staunch Potions Master in anything other than the usual bat-like robes of pure black. And with luxurious, grease-free hair. Arching a brow in a distinctly Malfoy-ish way, he did his best to imitate Snape's cold sneer "So you do know how to wash that greasy head of yours, _Snivellus._"

"50 points from Gryffindor, Potter, for your insolence!" Snape hissed, eyes widening in anger at the mention of the nicknamed dubbed on him by the Maruaders. His hand clenched tightly around the hilt of his wand.

"You'd really subtract points from your own husband, _darling?"_ Harry continued, still sneering in a Snape-like manner, while firmly etching a mocking scowl onto his features.

"Damn right you idiotic, selfish brat!" Sev answered, glowering menacingly.

"Then you leave me no choice,_ dearest._" Harry said in an apologetic, mock-sincere tone. In an impressive show of wandless magic, Harry conjured several bright, fluffy pillows, launching them at the long-haired menace that was his teacher. Tsking annoyingly as the pillows circled and pelted themselves at the man, Harry stated "You brought this on yourself, _sweetheart."_

_Damn that boy!_ Severus growled, dodging two of the crazed pillows. Oh no, he would not put up with this, especially not from the son of a Maruader. Harry need to be taught a lesson, and who better to teach him than the man endlessly tortured by the boy's father. Oh the irony of it all. With a wave of his wand the pillows turned into Dirangeas, a slug-spider cross breed Hagrid has stumbled upon recently. With Harry as their new target, they circled the younger of the two, belching loudly. Each belch released a fluffy, blue-slime filled pillow over the boy. After 50 or so of these pillows, Sev lazily flicked his wand causing the animals to disappear.

"25 points from Gryffindor." Severus said joyously, smirk firmly in place.

"I'll get you for this, Severus Snape. Mark my words, this means war!" Harry snapped, stomping toward his bedroom to take another very necessary shower, the potion master's smug laughter trailing after him.

* * *

_I'll show him, he'll regret the day he ever shot gunk filled pillows at me. Just wait Severus Snape, I'm going to get you!_ Harry thought, an evil gleam entering his eyes. He hadn't felt this determined nor quite this fiery in a while and it felt damned refreashing.

Smirking at his mirror image, he just knew his plan would work, successfully embarrassing Hogwarts very own potions Professor. Brushing his fingers through his messy green-tipped locks, he finished getting ready. Tucking his tight leather pants into his boots, he skimmed a hand down his '_I'm with stupid_' t-shirt. After a few seconds delibiration he picked up a silver barbell that said 'fuck me, fuck you, it's all about sex' on the two round balls. Inserting the barbell into his left eyebrow he headed out toward the greathall- not bothering with his school robes- to where Severus already sat partaking of the afternoon meal.

* * *

"Oh, Sevi _darling!_" Harry called out upon entering the great hall, his voice loud and squealy, easily carrying to every soul in the large room. Ignoring the lust-filled, bewildered, shocked, and amused glances he was getting, Harry skipped up to the Heads' platform, dropping into a glaring Sev's lap and wrapping his arms around the man's neck.

"Shnooky-puss, why didn't you wait for me?" he demanded, purposefully making his voice extra loud and shrill.

"Get off me before you further humiliate us both!" Snape spat, trying to shove the boy off his lap roughly, only to be held tighter by said boy who turned out to be surprisingly strong for such a slender lad.

"Oh I'm only getting started." Harry whispered, an evil gleam in his eyes.

Everyone was watching; like a train wreck, they knew it was horrible for the potion's master but they just couldn't tear their eyes away from the scene. Besides, this would prove to be a very entertaining show, and who were they to deprive the famous Harry Potter of his ever faithful audience. Trying to keep from snickering, even the sly serpents watched with barely veiled glee and amusement as Harry ladled a spoon with oatmeal.

"Open up, _darling._" Harry ordered sweetly, grinning indulgently at the crowd "You know what they say, a healthy breakfast is the best way to start off the day."

"Stop it, Pott-" Snape barely managed to keep from choking as Harry took advantage of his open mouth, shoving the oatmeal-filled spoon far into his mouth. Swallowing quickly he gathered his strength and pushed the laughing boy off his lap, hissing angrily "Get out of my sight, Potter. This instance!"

"Aww, shnookums. You're not being any fun!" Harry whined, pouting childishly. With one last gleeful look, he said "Fine, I'll go. But! Not before my Snape-y-poo gives me my goodbye kiss!" right before planting a quick kiss on the man's thinly pressed lips.

"Bye, Sevi-dear!" Harry said, waving cheerfully to Snape as he walked away. The whole hall burst into laughter, causing Harry's smirk to grow in size. Not even Snape's shouted "100 points from Gryffindor!" could wipe the smirk from his face.


	4. Chapter 3 Pt1 Friends, foes, and Ginny

**A/N:  
Disclaimers and Warnings see first chappie.**

**Sorry it's been so long, real life got in the way.  
I should be updating once or twice a week now, maybe more depending on inspiration.  
This is a short one, but it's only half.  
Second part and chapter 4 will be up tomorrow, scout's honor.**

**I don't have time to answer all the reviews, so I'll pick one for now:**

**Alexander Hunter: Yup, I read a line somewhat like that in your fic and a bunch others. It's a very Sev-thing to say, and I couldn't resist putting it in. XD**

**Please review everyone, even if I don't reply I do read them and appreciate it when you take the time to tell me what you think.  
Flames can kiss my British a--!!  
Constructive Criticism only!  
No "Evil Homosexual, pedophiliac nastiness of doom"  
I put the warnings for a reason bitches,  
So if you don't like it, don't click my story. **

Much love to all my readers and reviewers!  
L.

* * *

"Wow, that was bloody brilliant! Said an exuberant Gryffindor, dropping books onto a table in the library. Exuberant, flushed, happy. Grinning with joy from a prank as Ronald Weasley hadn't done in so long. Maybe things could finally get better, maybe they could get back to normal now. Things were looking up.

"Oh, I don't know, Ron. Professor Snape is bound to be angry." said his bushy-haired prude of a girlfriend "And he is married to the man now. Maybe Harry should have been a tad bit more respectful?"

But Hermione Granger's lips still twitched, spreading into the first real smile in months. The redhead and his girlfriend shared a meaningful look before breaking into peals of laughter. They clutched at their sides, remembering the look on their Professor's face as a certain Harry Potter attempted to spoon feed him. Tears sprung into their eyes as they continued chuckling, rolling around on the ground from the hilarity. Once they started, after such a long desolate period of being without laughter, they just couldn't help themselves and were helplessly consumed with mirth.

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"Draco, did you see the look on Professor Snape's face? God, I didn't know Potter had it in him." said the dulcet tones of Blaise Zabini, chuckling madly once they were safely ensconced in a private corner of the library. Even the Slytherin's had to admit the Golden Boy's revenge had been brilliant, and they just knew that Snape's retribution would be just as captivatingly hilarious. 

"Trust me, Blaise, neither did I, though we shouldn't have been too surprised- he is after all James' Potter's son and a second generation maruader." Draco replied, grinning smugly as he replayed the entire breakfast scenario in his mind's eye "And, from all the commotion, it would seem Weasley and Granger didn't expect it of him either."

From their spot they could clearly hear the near-hysterical cackling of Harry's two Gryffindork friends. Peeking through the shelves, he shook his head dumbly at the sight of the prim and proper Miss Hermione Granger rolling on the ground laughing like a mad woman. _Though really, who could blame them after this morning? A much needed refreshing change of atmosphere, I must say. _he thought with an amused smile curling his lips.

* * *

But soon the laughter stopped on both sides of the library, to be replaced by confusion and a slight fear as the four students were enveloped in a pale rose coloured fog. The fog wrapped around all of their bodies, gluing their arms to their sides and temporarily paralysing them as it lifted them into the air. With quick precision they were lifted into an empty classroom just across from the library doors. And eyes which had narrowed in caution and panic soon widened and relaxed as their captors were revealed. 

Sitting in rows in front of a small, conjured stage was most of Gryffindor- and even many of Slytherin- house. The students were watching excitedly and clapped loudly as each of the four were deposited in a chair onstage and then released from their paralysis. The lights dimmed out, creating a bright spotlight center stage, and them music began to play (think Jerry Springer crossed with Oprah and mixed with a dash of Maury)…

* * *

"Welcome, welcome everyone. Today on _Between the sheets with Ginny_ we shall be interviewing two of our very own Golden Trio, as well as the renowned Ice Prince of Slytherin and his cohort Italiano, in regards to the situation of one famous Harry Potter and his husband, our most fearsome Professor Snape." came the dreamy voice of Loony, err- Luna Lovegood, from behind the director's box. 

Amidst the wild clapping and exuberant cheers, a ridiculously sultry voice spoke out "Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of _Between the sheets with Ginny_; I'm Ginny Weasley, your hostess for the night."

On to the stage stepped the rambunctious red headed female, but this was not the Ginny everyone knew and was accustomed to. Oh no, this Ginny was very different. She was decked out in a red leather mini skirt that barely covered to mid-thigh and a sparkling gold tube top that hugged her curvaceous upper body. Matching god, red-laced, boots with four inch heels clung to her shapely legs, ending at the knees where black fishnet tights continued upward. The famous "Weasley Red" hair was twisted into flaming coils that framed a heart-shaped face.

"Whoa!" gasped one of the Slytherin girls from the crowd. A brunette easily recognized as Pansy Parkinson, whose cheeks flushed pink as Ginny threw a flirtatious wink and a smirk in her direction.

"Thank you, I think." she said, turning to face her unwilling guests. Taking a seat opposite them, she began:

"Well folks. The community that is our humble Hogwarts already knows what happened with Harry and the greasy git-" here the snakes threw glares at the hostess of the 'show' "-but what we want to know is how the respective houses feel about the happenings. So we chose those most influential and closest to the two newly weds to answer some of our questions." Ginny finished.

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_The Interviews:_

**Draco:**

"How are you feeling about all this, Malfoy?"

"No comment."

"Do you think these are the doings of some nefarious plot on you head of house's side?"

"No comment."

"Would you care to confirm the rumours that Snape is your godfather?"

"No comment."

"Damn it! Is there anything you would like to say?"

Draco rose a brow at the read head's glare and merely said: "No comment."

**Hermione:**

"Is there a cure for the curse?"

"What curse, Ginny?"

"The curse that's tying Harry to Snape, of course."

"That's a marriage bond, not a curse."

"So… there's no cure?"

"Cure? What cure?"

"Yes, cure! Cure to the unfortunate twist in Harry's life!?"

"I'm sorry, what was the question again?"

**Ron:**

"So, Ronald, how do you feel about your best friend's new husband?"

"Oi, Gin, does mum know you have clothes like that?"

"Are you mad at Harry for his new situation?"

"That skirt is too short, y'know."

"What about Harry, Ron?!"

"Harry would think that skirt is much too tight."

"Ron..!"

"You look like one of them hookers from the movies those muggles watch."

**Blaise:**

"No comment."

I didn't even ask anything yet."

"Yeah, well good, 'cos my answer is the same and I don't have to tell you a damned thing."

"Yes, you do! The people have a right to know-"

"No, I don't and like hell they do n-"

"Yes they do-"

"It aint their lives!"

"But they still-"

"It's no ones business but Professor Snape's and Potter's, so get your nose out of it and go put some damned clothes on!"

"Why, I never…!"

"Whatever."

"How dare you?!"

"No comment."

* * *

Ginny and Blaise continued glaring at each other as Draco stood and said, "Look, I was kinda pissed at first because.. Well, those two have always hated each other, it was on principle. But then I thought, so did Harry and I, and yet we managed to get past that and start over after Father and I switched sides. So I decided maybe Potter and Snape could get past their hate too, and who knows, it might be good for all of us, 'cos if the professor is getting some, he might be a helluva lot more agreeable in class." 

With that said, the quad got up and exited the room without a backwards glance at the flabbergasted crowd or the fuming Ginny. If they hurried they just might not be late to their DADA class, and they each wanted to see who Dumbledoof got for a teacher this year, maybe they'd finally get that vampire.


	5. shifty eyes

_A/N:_

_'ello everyone._

_First, I would like to apologize to everyone who has been waiting for an update.__ If you completely forgot about this story, I don't blame you 'cos it has been a while._

_**Second, I wanted to let you all know that I will not be updating for another short while. I got stuck, completely forgot what I had in mind for the plot, where I wanted the story to go, what twists and developments I wanted. So I'm going to go over the chapters again with a fine tooth comb, then I'm going to scribble all over it with red pen. I will be editing and changing the story line, it might end up being different from what I originally thought it would be. Once I figure out how the story is going to go, I will make any changes necessary to the existing chapters (which I'll tell you just in case you need to re-read the chapters), and I will replace this with the newest chapter.**_

_In the mean time, I will be posting up the first chapter to an HP/Twilight ficcy I've been itching to write. It should be up in a few days, a week at most. It'll be a slash story (HPEC), of course, and AU. Voldemort never existed, Harry was never the boy who lived although his parents are still dead and he was sent to live with his godfather Sirius and his mates (SBRLSS). Draco will be a part of this story 'cos I adore him (thinking about a DMJB pairing). Now if you are a Bella fan, I advise you not to read. I don't like her much, at least not with Edward, so she will be majorly bashed for her obsessive fan girl freakish ways. Some Ron and Ginny bashing too, maybe… I don't like them._

_Okay that all for now. What a long author's note._

_Ta._

_-JACR._


	6. Apology

Okay, okay, please don't kill me.

I know I said I'd be updating soon, and well… that didn't happen.

I'm really sorry, life's just been crazy in both good and bad ways.

Work, school, family problems, significant other died while stationed in Iraq.

Just overall crazy days with no chance to catch my breath, let alone write.

But I will be working on this story now, I've actually already started.

I'm scrapping it though, and starting over, gonna print out a hard copy and take my red pen to it.

Another thing, my updates will be posted on my live journal (link is in my profile page) rather than on here. I probably won't put my fanfics on here at all, because they will get to the point where there will be sexual encounters and I wont butcher my story just so won't delete it. I might post it once it's completely wrapped up, but if you don't want to wait however long that is, I will be putting it up on LJ.

Thanks for bearing with me, and I hope I haven't lost all my readers.

Ja ne.

3

P.S. I really appreciate all the reviews, sorry I never replied.. =/


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